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Jokes

Jokes

Joke - Daylight Savings Time - Turning the Clock Back

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

 

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

 

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."

Joke - Kapuskasing and Lady Diana's Visit

A number of years ago, Lady Diana Spencer married Prince Charles.

Subsequently, they decided to go to Canada for a visit.  Lady Diana was just getting used to the idiosyncracies of royal visits.

She learned that she'd be attending a parade in Kapuskasing (Ontario, Canada) that July.

Lady Diana wasn't familiar with Kapuskasing and didn't know what to wear.  She decided to call the queen mummy for some advice.

Now eventhough Canada is very cold in winter, many parts of it are very warm in the summer.

Diana arrived for the parade wearing a decidedly British fox hat.

It was almost 30C (90F degrees) that day, and as she made her way along the parade route she was sweating buckets.  

One of her aides comes up to her and says:  "Ms. Diana.  It's so hot.  Why wear such a warm fur hat"?

Lady Diana  replies:  "The queen mummy recommended it!  I called her up before I came here.  I said I'm going to Kapuskasing for a parade and what should I wear?".

The queen mommy replied:  "Kapuskasing?  Where the focks 'at?"

 

 

 

 

The source of Home Depot and Lowe's Lumber Finally Discovered stars

Investigative reporter Jeremy Liarens was invited to the plantation where both Home Depot and Lowe's source their lumber.

"I've always wondered where they got their wood from - and it was great to finally see the place where it all starts" Liarens commented.

Forestry expert Rod Thicke described the growing process to Liarens:

"First we find the choicest locations that will ultimately produce the best product.  We need a sunny location where the trees can benefit from maximum solar radiation.  Great soil helps as well".

 

 "on closer inspection, you can see the finished product beginning to take shape":

"Another advantage of our process is that it provides a place for native birds to find a temporary (before the tree is harvested) home":

"and here is a picture of the final product just before harvest":

So there you have it.  How both Lowe's and Home Depot source their wood.  Now we all know.

 

New Internet Scam Targeting Men stars

Men Scam

 

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men. 

I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. 

This one caught me totally by surprise.  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works;   Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  (It's impossible not to look).  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

 

You agree and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.  Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.

 

WallyMart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found cheaper and better ones for $1 at the Dollar Store - and bought them out in three of their stores.

BTW, you never actually get to eat at McDonald's.  Between that and running around buying wallets, I've already lost 11 pounds.

 

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

       

Joke - Image Jokes #3

It's amazing how the placement of a sticker can change the meaning of something so much...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image Jokes #2

Image Jokes:

I Dream of Jeannie

 

Things I hate the most:

 

Sally taught herself to ride her own bike:

 

 

And in Tennessee, a homeowner’s association (HOA) just tried to fine a couple US$100 for the phallic shape their Honda left in a snowy parking lot after they moved their car...

 

Stubborn Men

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joke - British Humour - Tesco and the Horse Meat

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers. 

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the "FAKE" news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet: 

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened! 

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? 

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. 

Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night ...I still have a bit between my teeth. 

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable. 

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn. 

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... "AND THEY'RE OFF!" 

Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions. 

I said to my spouse, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots..." 

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"..... 

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?” Cow says "Illegal ingredients are coming over here stealing our jobs!" 

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse o'euvres. 

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit...Talk about flogging a dead horse. 

Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?" 

Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show" 

At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on."

 


 

 

Joke - Hooters and the Golf Reunion

 Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas.

They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"

"They have those chicks with the nice physique, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again?
Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for
lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"

"The food is bearable, and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says,
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters
"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
Why ??

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have a seniors discount."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they
meet and play again.
"Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay."